5 Minutes 2 Midnight: The Abridged Life of Andrew Stein pt 1

Friday, May 04, 2007

The Abridged Life of Andrew Stein pt 1

There was once a mushroom named Togonriac Zagalad. He was named after his father, and being as his father was old and couldn’t see too well, it was up to Togonriac to keep up the family name. He had a squirrel friend named Pouch. Pouch as a young boy, loved to carry and spread seeds. However, his hands were too small to carry any significant amount. He realized he had some extra skin on his belly and formed a pouch to carry seeds in.
Now one day, Togonriac and Pouch went out for a stroll. They merrily hummed Spanish Flea, and were walking along, when all of a sudden, Togonriac slipped on some evil moss.
He slid down an embankment into a river, and screamed his head off, for as a young boy his father used to flood his basement room to try and make him drown. Pouch jumped in and swam along side him for he loved to swim. Soon, they landed on the edge of a small bluff.
Unbeknownst to them, a fox sneakily snuck up on them and tried to pounce on Togonriac.
Ouch was suddenly seized by fury, as his eyes glowed red and he launched himself onto the fox, trying to rip its eyes out.
“I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!!!” he screeched as if the fox has deeply and personally offended him or someone in his family.
Togonriac tried to help out Pouch as he released hallucinogenic fumes from his pores. The result was that the fox thought he was Elvis Presley and started busting out dancing and singing all over the place until he slipped, bumped his head on a rock and drifted down the river, unconscious.
Pouch however was thirsty for blood and turned on his friend, going after him. Togonriac reacted quickly, by smacking Pouch in the face then biting off Pouch’s third left paw.
“You have got to calm down Pouch…that’s the fifteenth limb I have had to eat this month from you!”
“Yeah I know, but foxes killed my family!”
“It was one fox…and you killed him…”
“Oh shut up!”
It was then that it hit them.
“You (I) don’t have fifteen paws!!!” they exclaimed.
“Those fumes were really powerful…” Pouch said
“Yeah, well, I was trying to get you not killed…:
“Well, thank you very much, it is much appreciated.”
“I know let’s go back to my place and eat some chicken!”
“Hells yeah!”
So they walked back to the spot where Togonriac slipped, and Pouch decided to spread some of his seed in the moss.
“Moss is great fertilizer.” He said sagely.
Once he had done that the moss got angry.
“Why the hell are you spreading your seed in me?”
“Because you’ll make a wonderful bush.” Said Pouch.
“I don’t wanna be a bush...go spread your seed somewhere else or I’ll kill your pet mushroom.” He threatened.
“Whatever…” sighed Pouch, and dumped the contents of his pouch into the evil moss.
“AHHHH!!!! IT BURNS!!!! YOU”LL ALL PAY!!!” screamed the moss.
Pouch and Togonriac headed home, and they knocked on the door, where they were greeted by Togonriac’s esteemed father.
“Why is she with you? What the hell did I tell you? Never, ever bring that mooch into my house again, because you know what happened last time…she just stuffed all the food she could into her pockets and then it squelched all over the…”
“Dad….Dad….DAD!!!!” Togonriac yelled. “This Pouch….not Mom…”
“Oh ok…sorry about that Pouch, come on in…”
They decided to eat some chicken and they ate in silence, fearful of an outburst from Mr. Zagalad.
“I’m gonna head on in.” said Togonriac
“Oh ok…” said Pouch.
Togonriac headed in and turned off the light, until he turned the light back on, and screamed.
A green blanket covered his mouth and sucked his soul out of his mouth.
“I warned you what would happen.” Said the moss grimly.
The moss sat on top of the soulless body and then turned into a giant bush.
“Damn it…” he said.
Out of Togonriac’s closet busted out a fat female mushroom, with food still in her pockets.
“I am Togonriac, returned by possessing my dead mother’s body.”
“Crud…..it’s time for an exorcism!”
With that Pouch busted down and had his exorcism costume on.
“Wait….how do you know how to do an exorcism?” asked Pouch forgetting about the possessed body.
“Well, I am a witch doctor…and a Catholic priest…”
“How can a witch doctor be a Catholic priest?”
“ I lied to the church, I needed to exorcism powers because well, a lot of mosses were being stupid and thought they were being possessed, very bad problem…”
“Oh…ok.”
Suddenly, a spot light shone down from the ceiling and a booming voice was heard overhead.
“ When you are stuck cowering in the corner trying to exorcize your ex-wife’s possessed body, with your son’s soul inside, then you can count on…..Super Awesome Humongous Walrus Moustache Man!” boomed Mr. Zagalad, as he entered into the room through the ceiling with a red cape tied around him.
“Ok, well we need to say “Hubbub Hubbub Hubbub, please go away, NOW!” “Said the moss.
So they chanted the magic exorcism words over and over.
“Hubbub Hubbub Hubbub, please go away, NOW!” over and over again until the bush started to get tired of it and did something desperate.
He pulled out a vial of holy water and started throwing it over the possessed body and shouting “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”
With that the ex-wife possessed by the son roared and shriveled and died. The bush, squirrel and older mushroom decided to live together, and they lived happily ever after.

posted by Adrian McCann @ 08:49

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